There is a common trope in TV and movies where one character is panicking (talking fast, shaking, hyperventilating and/or catastrophizing,) and a different character, who is in some way their ally will grab the panicking character and yell at them, shake them, or hit them. They might say something like https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/GetAHoldOfYourselfMan which breaks them out of their panicked state and then they can have a big moment and overcome whatever the first character was worried about. Essentially these characters are using threats, fear, pain, and shame to overcome a fear response. Most of the time in real life threats, fear, pain, and shame don't stop or interrupt fear responses, they usually make them worse.
We learn from watching other people, including imaginary people from the TV. A lot of us have seen this trope from a very young age, internalized the message that if we shout loud enough or hit hard enough we can make someone stop feeling. This might not look like slapping or shaking someone during their anxiety attack, but might include trying to get rid of negative emotions by insulting, criticizing, or ordering the emotions away. "This is so stupid," "You're an adult," "Quit acting like a baby," "I'll give you something to cry about," "Don't be such a chicken," "Get over it," and "You always do this," are examples from real life that I have heard people say to themselves or others during moments of intense negative emotions. None of them are effective.
What does work? Comfort, kindness, empathy, encouragement, hugs, and redirecting thoughts to more productive or pleasant subjects are all ways we can help ourselves or others through negative emotions. We can begin by acknowledging the emotion, stating directly what the negative emotion is, for example; "I feel scared right now," "I feel sad right now," "You're feeling worried right now," or "I know this is a scary situation to be in."
Here is my formula for talking through intense emotions. None of the steps are mandatory, and all of the things listed are examples that apply to different situations and emotions. The important thing is to focus on saying things that are true, and avoiding subjective things like judgement
Do something grounding. Grounding helps regulate our nervous systems and makes it easier to think and communicate clearly and kindly.
- 5-4-3-2-1
- Hug
- Breathing exercise
- Drink a little water
- Run around a little
- List all the avengers movies you can think of
Acknowledge the feeling. State it directly, whatever it is, without judgement.
- "I feel sad"
- "I know you feel afraid"
- "We both feel angry right now."
Normalize the feeling. All feelings are normal parts of the human experience. All emotions are normal, and happening for a reason that makes sense when we have all the context. The reason might be more about past experiences, or body states like hunger or tiredness than the current situation, but that's still a reason, and it's still normal. Pretending feelings are abnormal or came out of nowhere does not make them go away.
- "It's okay to be angry"
- "This is a normal situation to be sad about"
- "I feel sad too"
- "Everyone feels this way sometimes"
Perform empathy. This means expressing that the feeling is coming from somewhere and the person speaking understands. Negative emotions often come from or lead to feeling alone, and empathy is the best defense we have against that.
- "She was being a jerk"
- "This is a really scary situation"
- "This sucks"
- "Dealing with intrusive thoughts is hard"
- "Dealing with people who disrespect your time like this is difficult"
- "This reminds me of a situation I never want to go through again"
Provide encouragement. What counts as encouragement depends on the people involved and the situation, but generally we want to provide hope and kindness with true statements.
- "I can talk to myself kindly while I experience difficult emotions"
- "I am capable of dealing with Catherine even when she's being a self-righteous ghoul"
- "I have done presentations before, and I don't like them but I know I can do them"
- "You are brave even though I wish you didn't have to be"
- "Your friends care about you and want to spend time with you"
- "You don't have to do everything perfectly in order to get support"
- "No matter what happens here I have your back and we'll get through this together"
- "Not every day is going to be like this"
- "Next week you will be proud of yourself for getting through this."
Address any behaviors that need to stop. Need is the key word here. Things that need to stop include things that are actively causing physical or emotional harm to someone. Feeling the emotions is never a behavior that needs to stop, because we cannot hurt anyone with our feelings. Yelling, breaking things, driving, crying, or ruminating on anxious thoughts might need to stop or move locations depending on the situation and who's around. Physically hurting oneself or others, insulting oneself, should be stopped as soon as possible.
- "I need to find a way to express anger without yelling"
- "Being upset doesn't mean I can do something unsafe"
- "I can't drink anymore tonight"
- "You're squeezing your arm right now to ground yourself, but you're hurting yourself and you might break skin if you keep going"
- "I shouldn't be texting her right now"
List options. Discussing and debating safe things that can be done to deal with the upsetting situation or provide comfort.
- "We can leave"
- "I might feel better if I drank some water"
- "I could talk to them about what's bothering me"
- "Would you like me to go with you to talk to her"
- "Do you want to talk about what you're feeling or do you want to be distracted?"
From there, do whatever is possible and helpful. Repeat as necessary. This takes practice. If you find yourself engaging in negative self talk, and not remembering to try kindness until afterwards, it's not too late to practice what you meant to say, and then say "I should have said this earlier, but I forgot. It's hard to remember these things when I'm upset. I'm going to practice and hopefully next time I can be kinder to myself." The best time to practice is to do it when you feel okay. If you've been practicing negative self-talk this is going to be harder and that's okay. Give yourself grace while you're learning, because that's how we learn best. We can't ignore or stop our feelings from happening, but talking to ourselves kindly is the best way to get through those emotions safely and quickly.
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash